Conan

Released: 2011

Directed By: Marcus Nispel

Starring: Jason Momoa, Ron Perlman

Certificate: 15

Reviewed By: Darryl Griffiths

Arnie, i think it’s time to stop hating on your wife and turn your attention to relatively unknown acting commodity Jason Momoa.. as he may have just taken a giant dump on one of your most iconic roles. Sure, the 1982 version isn’t exactly regarded too highly as quality cinema. But as a form of guilty cinematic pleasure? Most definitely. This reboot however, well….

The film’s clearly low aspirations to be a one dimensional hack and slash affair are established early on, with a faceoff deep in the forest, where we witness the killer instincts of a young Conan first hand. This certainly pleases his proud but equally barbaric father, played by Hellboy’s Ron Perlman. Proceedings are shaken up considerably by his death, courtesy by the villainous double act of Khalar Zym and his scissorhands daughter Monique (Stephen Lang and Rose Mcgowan). Their plot to find a pure blood in the form of Rachel Nichol’s character quickly becomes a side issue, as Conan goes all gung ho in his efforts to avenge his father’s death.

The signs of this being a pale imitation of the original were evident early on with its announcement and are proven correct. Momoa exudes as much playfulness and charisma as a waxwork quite frankly. The use of narration seems forced as well, a desperate ploy that tries to fill in the blanks of an already bare backstory.

Director Marcus Nispel’s handling of the action sequences is poor also, their repetitious nature, the frantic editing and pointless 3D ultimately draining any sense of thrills from an already uninspiring experience. Hard to be surprised however, with Nispel’s track record being made up of the butchering of horror classics such as Friday the 13th and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre on his path to this reboot.

Simply put, Mr Momoa.. don’t do an Arnie and pull an ’i’ll be back’ moment. An almighty bore!